In the name of Thomas Jefferson, the First Virginia Expeditionary Force today claimed approximately 3.6 million square miles of new territory. The natives call it "China". Landing on the banks of the formidable Li Wa River, our party quickly subdued and befriended nearby inhabitants, namely a middle-aged man named "Old Wang" found lurking in the primeval flora. Our pith helmets made bearable the searing heat and fierce sun. We are proud to say the Old Dominion has gained approximately 1.3 billion loyal new subjects, whose population contains at least 56 recognized minority groups. Conveniently, they all belong to the same political party. Please keep us in your prayers, and stay tuned for daily updates.